


Bury Your Feelings, Pack Them Down Tight

by LotusFlair



Series: Magnus Season 5 Codas [1]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Apocalypse Roadtrip, Avenging Angels, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Jon Feels Like a Monster, Jon Has the Power, M/M, Martin Wants to do Some Murder, Post-Episode MAG 166, Spoilers, Talking Like Adults, Web shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:41:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24099022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LotusFlair/pseuds/LotusFlair
Summary: Just because you say, "I love you," doesn't mean all your problems are gone. Relationships are hard!ORAfter a little venting and a surprise phone call, Jon and Martin sort some things out.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Series: Magnus Season 5 Codas [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1763854
Comments: 6
Kudos: 147





	Bury Your Feelings, Pack Them Down Tight

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Twitter @darling_sammy or check out my website, POP Archives @ www.pop-archives.com

It was ten, maybe fifteen, minutes after he ended the call before Jon finally walked over, his venting session done for the time being. Martin entertained the idea of tossing the phone into the evil mud but thought better of it since Jon would Know what happened regardless. The last thing they needed was another secret hanging over their heads like a sword of Damocles. When Jon was fairly close, Martin saw the moment when he surveyed the scene and put it all together: the phone, the spade, the dirt on Martin's hands and trousers. His eyes went distant, the Knowledge entering his mind with little fanfare other than an annoyed scowl on Jon's face. He sighed and sat down next to Martin, staring ahead at the rolling mud. The screams barely registered anymore and Martin shivered in response to their mutual apathy.

Jon's fingers lightly touched the phone, an ancient relic of technology by millennial standards. He looked to Martin who met his eyes with a measured expression. "I'm sorry."

That threw Martin more than he was willing to admit. "What? Why?"

"I Know...I know you talked to Annabelle, but I don't know what you talked about," he explained. "Wherever she is, however she's hiding herself, it's beyond my ability to See or Know."

"Then why are you sorry?"

"Because you're unsure if you should tell me about your conversation," Jon said. "You're afraid to talk to me the same way I was afraid to talk to you about..."

"Jon, It's not--"

"I'm not good at being someone's partner," Jon said. "I never was. If Georgie was still talking to me, she wouldn't hesitate to agree. It's - it's one of the many reasons we broke up. Chief among them was my inability to communicate. Afterwords, I decided it was easier to be alone. One less person to be attached to or disappoint when I inevitably fucked things up. Then I got the job at the Institute and met you and...you can see very little has changed."

Martin nudged his shoulder. "I think you're doing pretty good so far."

Jon sighed. "It's not the same when you have to cop to it versus actually saying it when it matters."

"Says who?"

"Martin...could you just stop being reasonable and - and **listen** to what I'm saying?"

There was more bite behind his words and it set Martin's nerves on edge. Jon needed the space to work through these things and Martin wasn't about to let him struggle. He inched closer and took Jon's scarred hands in his, rubbing gently along the sensitive skin. "Tell me."

"Before the coma, probably from the moment I took the job as Head Archivist, I've been changing," Jon said. "By the time we went through the Unknowing, I wasn't entirely human and after I woke up...even less so. I spent the last year trying to bury the monster inside me. I tried so hard to stay human, but...I'm not. I don't think I ever will be, not after what I've done. I'm not just ashamed of this power I have. I'm scared of it as well."

Martin closed the gap between them a little more. "Why are you scared, love?"

"Because I don't know if I'll be able to contain it now that I know what I can do," Jon said. A tear trickled down his cheek, silent and glistening. "What if I lose myself even more? What if the Archivist is all that's left of me? What if I hurt you? What if I don't care if I do?!"

"Jon--"

"I wondered when the Eye would make me cruel, make me monstrous and I...I couldn't bear it if you...if I..."

Jon looked away, the shame and fear washing over him along with a fresh wave of screams from the mud and worms. Martin closed the gap, holding Jon fiercely as though the strength of his hug could crush the awful emotions out of him entirely. Jon hesitated, but latched on as he buried his face in Martin's shirt.

"I'm sorry you were afraid to tell me," Martin said. "Just...I still can't be your confidante when it comes to these domains. It's too much for you - I know - but I spent so long being the archives' emotional sponge, Jon, and I can't go back to it. That doesn't mean you can't talk to me about how you're feeling or how these venting episodes affect you."

"I - I don't want to burden you," Jon said, his voice timid and far too quiet for Martin's liking. "I don't want to be a burden **to** you."

"That's not possible, Jon," Martin said.

"Yes...it is," Jon responded. "All that time in the archives...I was useless. A monster under lock and key, waiting for something, anything to make sense. I made your plans harder, made Basira and Melanie's lives harder. All the power I had was utterly wasted dithering about morality and choices when I should have been trying to help or See what was right in front of me."

"You still made a choice, Jon," Martin said. "You came for me. You saved me. Like you saved Melanie. Like you saved Daisy. You used your abilities and you made a difference."

Jon sighed, "And look where we are. A world built on the back of every choice I ever made."

Martin took in a frustrated breath over Jon's head. Another scream carried on the musty wind and Martin felt a moment of kismet with the poor person aching to break free of the mud. He wanted so badly to scream and shout and shake Jon into understanding that none of what happened was his fault. He doubted they'd ever come to an agreement on the issue, but it still hurt to watch Jon terrorize himself over Jonah Magnus' villainy.

"Well, now you have something you can use against this world," Martin said. "You have control here, Jon."

"Martin, I can't--"

"But you could! God, Jon, you actually have the ability to fight back!" Martin exclaimed. "You killed the thing that stole Sasha from us and you have the ability to destroy every monster that hurt you. I wish I had that. I wish I could kill all of them for what they've done to you, to me, to all of us! And it's infuriating to see you so cautious about the one advantage we have in this place."

"Is that really what you want?" Jon asked. He let go, inching away from the once comforting embrace. "You - you want me to slaughter my way through Hell so we can feel satiated with revenge?"

"I-"

"And I suppose you'd be fine with directing my ire as well?" Jon asked, defensively. "Make me into a weapon? Smite everything by proxy?"

"If you won't do it, then yes!" Martin yelled. The moment was there and gone in a flash, shame coloring his pale skin in reds and pinks.

"I see," Jon said, evenly. Martin recognized the tone. Jon used it when he started shutting down, building the walls to protect himself from whatever came next.

"I - I'm sorry, Jon. That's - that's not what I..."

"Please, don't lie to me," Jon said. He pulled his knees up to his chest, arms wrapped around them securely as he stared at the distant Panopticon. Martin had no choice but to follow suit. They sat in silence while the mud oozed and air bubbles popped, wretched screams released from within. Since the Lonely, Martin had a harder time with unnatural stillness. The memories would likely never fade and it was so easy to lose himself to those familiar sensations of detachment and resignation. If anyone was going to break the silence, it was going to be Martin.

"I wish...I really wish I could rewind the last hour," Martin said. "It was all a bit simpler when it was just us and the journey. No monsters or emotional baggage weighing us down."

"You're assuming it was never there to begin with," Jon said. He wasn't as curt, but his defenses were still up. Martin choose to take it as a good sign. "We've been carrying it with us the whole time, Martin. Since before the Change."

"What does that say about me then?" Martin asked. "Probably a good thing no one ever gave me a position in management."

"You were managing the Institute for a whole year," Jon pointed out. Martin's face fell.

"Oh, right." Martin sighed, scrubbing his hands along his face in frustration. "I'm no better than Magnus, am I? Just put me within a a few meters of power and it's instant Mirror Verse Martin."

"I wouldn't go that far," Jon said. His voice was soft, comforting, as he took Martin's hand once again. "I'm sure most people would react the same way given the circumstances."

"Annabelle Cane wants me to think I'm useless to you," Martin said, his tone hushed as he exhaled the words. "She wants me to question my worth in comparison to your abilities. She said...she said you don't need me. Not really."

Jon gripped Martin tighter, his anger pushing through the sea of emotions warring for dominance. "Martin--"

"And I'm inclined to agree," Martin admitted. "I have nothing to contribute to this...quest, journey, whatever. I'm just me and the only reason I'm allowed to walk beside you is because you're protecting me from everything else."

"I don't care if you don't have pow--"

Martin placed a finger to Jon's lips, shushing him gently. "But I remember what you said to me in the Lonely. You came for me, risked your life, because you needed me. But it was more than that. There was love behind every word you spoke. I just didn't see it until you let me."

"I needed you before I knew I needed you, Martin," Jon said. He moved in closer, seeking out the warmth and safety he'd pulled away from. That's really all he wanted: warmth, safety, and Martin, though not necessarily in that order. The ease with which those thoughts came to him were enough to let a ghost of a smile form. "You were always looking after me even when I could barely look after myself. You saw something in me that was worth loving."

"You're a bit of a disaster on the best of days," Martin chuckled.

"But it can't be as one-sided as that," Jon said. "I can't use you like a crutch all the time. If I do, then nothing about our relationship will have changed."

"I think _some_ things about our relationship has changed," Martin said as he lifted his eyebrows suggestively.

"I'm serious, Martin," Jon said. He pulled back enough so they were looking at each other dead on. There was a faint glow of emerald green in Jon's eyes that left Martin breathless. The force of his sincerity made it all the brighter in comparison to the dull and dreary domain of the Buried. "I don't need you because of the services you provide. I need you because I love you. I need you because you make me want to be better than what I am. I need you to remind me of whatever sliver of humanity I have left. I need you because you're Martin Blackwood. Full stop."

Martin didn't realize he was crying until Jon reached up to wipe his tears away. "I thought you said you were bad at communicating."

Jon gave him a small, sad smile. "Like I said, you make me want to be better. The only reason I took a stand was to bring you home from the Lonely. The only reason we're journeying to London, trying to save the world, is because of you. I wouldn't have made it this far without you, Martin. Not by a long shot. I couldn't even bother to--"

"Nope! Nope. No more of that," Martin scolded. He sniffled, wiping at his eyes. "No more wallowing. It's not allowed anymore."

"Right," Jon said, the word filled overwhelmingly with fondness. "I just...you have to know that I'll always need you, Martin. Always."

Martin regarded him for a moment, taking in the remnants of fear and shame that still plagued Jon's face. "Can I tell you what I saw in the Lonely? What you made me see when I looked at you?"

He felt Jon tense in his arms, anxiety brightening his gaze. "If - if you want to."

"I saw you, Jon."

"I know that, Martin. You told me that."

"That's not what I meant. I saw _you_ , Jon. I saw the man I'd loved for so long doing everything he could to show me it was returned," Martin said. "And it wasn't the Archivist. It wasn't a monster made of eyes. It was just you, Jon. **Just you**. You'll never be a monster to me because everything you've done has been so very human."

The anxiety along with the fear and shame slowly disappeared. Jon reached for Martin again, cupping his cheek before leaning in for a kiss. "God, we're both messes, aren't we?"

Martin chuckled. "No relationship is perfect, or so I hear. I'm sure we'll get better at it as we go."

Jon hummed in agreement. "We're not lacking for time either. The journey is the journey."

"I'm sure Elias is getting a good show as well," Martin mused.

Jon stood, helping Martin to his feet.

"Well, the faster we get there the less entertainment he has," Jon said.

They pressed on for a few hours before Martin asked...

"You've really never seen _Kill Bill_?"

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to try to curb my need to make Codas or episode buttons, but I can't help writing dialogue for Jon and Martin! It's so fun to navigate their relationship!


End file.
